I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
