closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
