god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
