i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
