If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
