I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
