i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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