he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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