If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
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