You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
