I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
