i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
