My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
