what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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