I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
