Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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