Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
