nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
