It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Randomize
