Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
And then my night got REAL pukey
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
