I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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