so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
