Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We were destined to go to rehab together
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
whose parrot is this?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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