One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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