Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
