Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
