I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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