this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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