Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
