i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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