I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
