I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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