i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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