Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
