have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
