I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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