i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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