WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
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So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
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I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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