I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
