I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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