Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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