If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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