She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
