You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
