Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The air was thick with penises
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
