I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
