If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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