i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
