i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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