Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
