you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
